Monday, 15 March 2010

The Lesser Known Eleventh Commandment

The first ten sound familiar enough to me... Thou shalt not lie, steal, murder, be a nasty cow, blah, blah. But CLEARLY I was off sick the day they taught the eleventh commandment: Thou shalt NOT Cheat on thy Dentist. Had I known that this was a mortal sin I would definitely have made a better effort to stay out of the chair of a dentist that was not mine, thereby avoiding the ginormous bitch slap karma sent my way.

What. Did. You. Do?!?!?!?

It all started last week when it occurred to me that something was awry in my mouth. It felt like I had lost a filling or something and, after a rather nasty root canal a while ago, I was quite wary. So I decided to bite the bullet, so to speak, and rush off to the dentist. Unfortunately, my dentist and I aren't in an exclusive relationship and so he could only fit me some time next week. The receptionist suggested, however, that I make an appointment with the new associate in the practice. She assured me he was lovely so I made an appointment to see him last Thursday. 

It began innocently enough. Though I should've known there'd be trouble when I realised he was incredibly good looking but too young to have gone through puberty. Within seconds, he had me on my back with my mouth wide open. He flashed me a reassuring smile (through his mask, mind you, but I'm sure it was flashy) as he told me I'd need a little filling to repair one that had chipped. Not a big deal, he told me. This won't hurt a bit, he said. 

Flash forward to about half an hour later... mouth numb, defeated owner of another filling, I stumbled out of his big blue chair, drooling out the left side of my mouth while promising to return soon. Later in the day, as feeling slowly came back to my face, I was overwhelmed with the relief of having endured another visit to the dentist. 

I thought I had gotten away with cheating on my regular tooth guy. I thought there would be no consequences. I was wrong. 

Two days later, on Saturday morning to be exact, I was tucking into a tasty breakfast of tea and toast when suddenly I felt something pretty hard in my mouth. Erring on the side of caution I decided to spit rather than swallow which is when I discovered a pretty damn big piece of tooth. Horrified, I did a quick tongue check of my mouth and then nearly passed out when my tongue got to where my new filling was. Sharp and jaggy. I rushed to a mirror to survey the damage, and let me tell you - it was horrible. Where there once was a tooth stood nothing but a gun metal gray filling. I looked like a goddamn hillbilly!!!!! It seemed Dr Hottie had been a little over-eager with the drilling, and now my tooth had broken in two. Ironically, the filling hadn't budged. 

Dida ding ding ding ding ding ding ding
Frantic phone calls to the dentist proved futile - it was the weekend after all. So I had to spend the weekend looking like the henchman from a James Bond flick. The good news is I lost a little weight, as I pretty much resorted to a liquid diet in lieu of having to chew anything. 

So this morning I went crawling back to my usual dentist. I told him how I had been unfaithful by seeing his partner and that as a result I now looked like I belonged in the hills with a banjo. Thankfully, my dentist and I have been together for years and so he knows that my teeth and I are prone to a little drama. He just laughed and told me it wasn't that bad (he's a good liar) and then he set about sorting out my problem.

I don't know how he did it, but I no longer look like a hillbilly. He fixed me up in short of 20 minutes, sans injection! There was a little bit of drilling and that sucking thingie and then - VOILA - my broken toof was back. Except it wasn't all real. But it looks like the real deal, so yay! 

On the way out, I cancelled my follow-up appointments with Dr Hottie 'cos god knows I don't want to break any more teeth. I've learnt my lesson and will Never. Ever. Do. That. Again. Take it from me, kids, cheating on your dentist is a no-no and can only end in tears. Stick with what you know, no matter how hot the new dentist is, it's just not worth it. 


Yes. Number eleven - it's right over here.

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